Too much

Completely raw. Unfiltered. Unedited.

I feel so overwhelmed. By noise. By touches.

Yet again as soon as I'm alright, I wish for those same touches to come back and hug me.

But yet again, the baby screams, and I can't handle all of them at the same time. As if my brain is in rage, too much of everything all at once . And then I scream out of helplessness.

Because I can't handle it all by myself. But they need me. They want me. I am supposed to be their safe place. I am so afraid I am not gonna be. I am afraid I will be replaced. Too soon.

They say moms love only grows, her heart only expands. But I don't feel that. I do love them. Each of them, so much. But I can't feel so, for each of them at the same time.

And that's how my actions show.

Like I don't love my own kids.

When I am the only one who would give my whole world to them. When I love them so much that it hurts. It hurts because my mind keeps scanning for all the things I am doing wrong, and there is so many.

My brain keeps screaming at me, not to be angry, but my overwhelmed self doesn't know how. It screams at me from the inside, that they need me, I am being too rough, I am not patient, I am not loving, I am not enough for them. Yet they all need me at the same time in the same intensity, and all I can give them is not nearly close enough for them to be happy.

I feel like I am not the mother they deserve. I feel like I am loosing myself in my own world.

I don't know what am I doing.

I don't know which help do I need.

From who?

No one can help me in the way that I truly need.

Even when someone is taking care od them, I feel guilty. I feel like they won't do things like I would. I KNOW they won't do the things how I would. But at the same time they would be more gentle than I am. Cause they have to. It's not their kids.

I need them to be here. But I need them to stay quiet. To be like they aren't really here.

I need company. But I need some time to rest. Alone. I also hate being alone. Especially alone with the kids. Cause I want them, I need them here. While I can't handle them being here all the time…

So it goes around in circles. My throat sour from all the yelling. My heart sour from all the guilt. While I fight between my two different sides, they still wait on me to be their mom.

I quickly calm down when it's all nice and quiet. I prepare to be nice and calm and patient. And as soon as they do something I do the same thing again… all over again. The pain never ends. The guilt only becomes stronger.

The tears become hotter.

My heart aches faster.

Like I don't have all the love in my hands and in my mind. It stays trapped in my heart, and only comes out when I am alright. When I am regulated.. which gets distributed real fast.

I love spending time with them. I learnt how their brain works at each stage, each year. Yet I keep making the same mistakes. As if I am unable to change.

Although there isn't really much to change. You can't run from being neurodivergent.

I give all of my energy to be a mom they deserve. Then I don't have enough to make myself to eat. But it still stays the same. I still get in fire, every time I shouldn't. I still do.

I am giving in my all, so they don't hate me. So we can be friends when they grow up. Yet it doesn't seem to work. Nothing seems to work.

I forget to eat. To pee. To drink.

But I don't feel like eating at all. Except when someone brings food, and only then I realise how much I do enjoy. It's only that my mind isn't allowing me to. For some twisted reason…

From heart

Through words

A ✨